Offbeat|NNP Joke|NNP A|DT musician|NN who|WP joined|VBD an|DT orchestra|NN on|IN a|DT cruise|NN ship|NN was|VBD having|VBG a|DT terrible|JJ time|NN keeping|VBG time|NN with|IN the|DT rest|NN of|IN the|DT band|NN .|. 
Finally|RB ,|, the|DT band|NN leader|NN said|VBD ,|, "|'' Look|VB ,|, either|CC you|PRP learn|VBP to|TO keep|VB time|NN or|CC I|PRP 'll|MD throw|VB you|PRP overboard|RB .|. 
It|PRP 's|VBZ up|IN to|TO you|PRP ,|, sync|NN or|CC swim|VBP .|. "|'' 
The|DT Human|NNP Race|NN Is|VBZ Doomed|NNP In|IN case|NN you|PRP needed|VBD further|JJ proof|NN that|IN the|DT Human|NNP Race|NN is|VBZ doomed|VBN through|IN stupidity|NN ,|, here|RB are|VBP some|DT actual|JJ label|NN instructions|NNS on|IN consumer|NN products|NNS ;|: 
1|CD .|. On|IN a|DT blanket|NN from|IN Taiwan|NNP -|: NOT|NNP TO|TO BE|VB USED|NNP AS|NNP PROTECTION|NNP FROM|NNP A|DT TORNADO|NNP 
.|. 2|CD .|. On|IN a|DT helmet|NN mounted|VBD mirror|VBP used|VBN by|IN US|NNP cyclists|NNS -|: REMEMBER|NNP ,|, OBJECTS|NNP IN|IN THE|DT MIRROR|NNP ARE|VBP ACTUALLY|NNP BEHIND|NNP YOU|PRP .|. 
3|CD .|. On|IN a|DT Taiwanese|JJ shampoo|NN -|: USE|NNP REPEATEDLY|NNP FOR|IN SEVERE|NNP DAMAGE|NNP .|. 
4|CD .|. On|IN the|DT bottle-top|JJ of|IN a|DT (|( UK|NNP )|) flavoured|JJ milk|NN drink|NN -|: AFTER|NNP OPENING|NNP ,|, KEEP|NNP UPRIGHT|NNP .|. 
5|CD .|. On|IN a|DT New|NNP Zealand|NNP insect|NN spray|NN -|: THIS|NNP PRODUCT|NNP NOT|NNP TESTED|NNP ON|NNP ANIMALS|NNP .|. 
6|CD .|. In|IN a|DT US|NNP guide|NN to|TO setting|VBG up|RP a|DT new|JJ computer|NN -|: TO|TO AVOID|NNP CONDENSATION|NNP FORMING|NNP ,|, ALLOW|NNP THE|DT BOXES|NNP TO|TO WARM|NNP UP|IN TO|TO ROOM|NNP TEMPERATURE|NNP EFORE|NNP OPENING|NNP .|. 
(|( Sensible|NNP ,|, but|CC the|DT instruction|NN was|VBD INSIDE|NNP the|DT box|NN .|. )|) 
7|CD .|. On|IN a|DT Japanese|JJ product|NN used|VBN to|TO relieve|VB painful|JJ haemorrhoids|NNS LIE|NNP DOWN|NNP ON|NNP BED|NNP AND|CC INSERT|NNP POSCOOL|NNP SLOWLY|NNP UP|IN TO|TO THE|DT PROJECTED|NNP PORTION|NNP LIKE|NNP A|DT SWORD-GUARD|NNP INTO|NNP ANAL|NNP DUCT|NNP .|. 
WHILE|NNP INSERTING|NNP POSCOOL|NNP FOR|IN APPROXIMATELY|NNP 5|CD MINUTES|NNP ,|, KEEP|NNP QUIET|NNP .|. 
8|CD .|. In|IN some|DT countries|NNS ,|, on|IN the|DT bottom|NN of|IN Coke|NNP bottles|NNS -|: OPEN|NNP OTHER|NNP END|NNP .|. 
9|CD .|. On|IN a|DT packet|NN of|IN Sunmaid|NNP raisins|NNS -|: WHY|WRB NOT|NNP TRY|NNP TOSSING|NNP OVER|IN YOUR|JJ FAVOURITE|NNP BREAKFAST|NNP CEREAL|NNP ?|. 
10|CD .|. On|IN a|DT Sears|NNP hairdryer|NN -|: DO|NNP NOT|NNP USE|NNP WHILE|NNP SLEEPING|NNP .|. 
11|CD .|. On|IN a|DT bag|NN of|IN Fritos|NNP -|: YOU|PRP COULD|NNP BE|VB A|DT WINNER|NNP !|. 
NO|DT PURCHASE|NNP NECESSARY|NNP .|. 
DETAILS|NNP INSIDE|NNP .|. 
(|( The|DT shoplifter|NN special|JJ !|. )|) 
12|CD .|. On|IN a|DT bar|NN of|IN Dial|NNP soap|NN -|: DIRECTIONS|NNP -|: USE|NNP LIKE|NNP REGULAR|NNP SOAP|NNP .|. 
(|( And|CC that|DT would|MD be|VB how|WRB ?|. )|) 
13|CD .|. On|IN Tesco|NNP 's|POS Tiramisu|NNP dessert|NN (|( printed|VBN on|IN bottom|NN of|IN the|DT box|NN )|) DO|NNP NOT|NNP TURN|NNP UPSIDE|NNP DOWN|NNP .|. 
(|( Too|RB late|RB !|. 
You|PRP lose|VBP !|. 
)|) 14|CD .|. On|IN Marks|NNP &|CC Spencer|NNP Bread|NNP Pudding|NNP -|: PRODUCT|NNP WILL|MD BE|VB HOT|NNP AFTER|NNP HEATING|NNP .|. 
(|( Are|VBP you|PRP sure|JJ ?|. 
Let|VB 's|POS experiment|NN .|. )|) 
15|CD .|. On|IN a|DT Korean|JJ kitchen|NN knife|NN -|: WARNING|NNP KEEP|NNP OUT|NNP OF|IN CHILDREN|NNS .|. 
(|( Dammit|NNP !|. 
Who|WP are|VBP they|PRP to|TO tell|VB me|PRP what|WP to|TO do|VB with|IN my|PRP$ kids|NNS ?|. )|) 
16|CD .|. On|IN a|DT string|NN of|IN Chinese-made|NNP Christmas|NNP lights|NNS -|: FOR|IN INDOOR|NNP OR|NNP OUTDOOR|NNP USE|NNP ONLY|NNP .|. 
(|( As|IN opposed|VBN to|TO ....|. ?|. )|) 
17|CD .|. On|IN a|DT Japanese|JJ food|NN processor|NN -|: NOT|NNP TO|TO BE|VB USED|NNP FOR|IN THE|DT OTHER|NNP USE|NNP .|. 
(|( Now|RB I|PRP 'm|VBP curious|JJ .|. )|) 
18|CD .|. On|IN Sainsbury|NNP 's|POS peanuts|NNS -|: WARNING|NNP -|: CONTAINS|NNP NUTS|NNP .|. 
(|( Really|RB ?|. 
Peanuts|NNP contain|VB nuts|NNS ?|. )|) 
19|CD .|. On|IN an|DT American|NNP Airlines|NNP packet|NN of|IN nuts|NNS INSTRUCTIONS|NNP -|: OPEN|NNP PACKET|NNP ,|, EAT|NNP NUTS|NNP .|. 
(|( I|NN 'm|VBP glad|JJ they|PRP cleared|VBD that|IN up|RB .|. )|) 
20|CD .|. On|IN a|DT Swedish|JJ chainsaw|NN -|: DO|NNP NOT|NNP ATTEMPT|NNP TO|TO STOP|NNP CHAIN|NNP WITH|IN YOUR|JJ HANDS|NNP OR|NNP GENITALS|NNP .|. 
(|( What|WP kind|NN of|IN consumer|NN phone-call|JJ led|VBN to|TO this|DT warning|NN ?|. )|) 
21|CD .|. On|IN a|DT child|NN 's|POS superman|NN costume|JJ -|: WEARING|NNP OF|IN THIS|NNP GARMENT|NNP DOES|NNP NOT|NNP ENABLE|NNP YOU|PRP TO|TO FLY|NNP .|. 
(|( That|DT 's|VBZ right|NN ,|, destroy|VBP a|DT universal|JJ childhood|NN fantasy|NN !|. )|) 
22|CD .|. On|IN some|DT frozen|JJ dinners|NNS SERVING|NNP SUGGESTION|NNP :|: DEFROST|NNP .|. 
23|CD .|. On|IN a|DT hotel|NN provided|VBN shower|VB cap|NN in|IN a|DT box|NN FITS|NNP ONE|CD HEAD|NNP .|. 
24|CD .|. On|IN packaging|NN for|IN a|DT Rowenta|NNP iron|NN DO|NNP NOT|NNP IRON|NNP CLOTHES|NNP ON|NNP BODY|NNP .|. 
25|CD .|. On|IN Boot|NNP 's|POS "|'' Children|NNP 's|POS "|'' cough|NN medicine|NN DO|NNP NOT|NNP DRIVE|NNP CAR|NNP OR|NNP OPERATE|NNP MACHINERY|NNP .|. 
26|CD .|. On|IN Nytol|NNP sleep|VB aid|NN WARNING|NNP MAY|NNP CAUSE|NNP DROWSINESS|NNP .|. 
(|( Duh|NNP !|. )|) 

Guess|NNP the|DT sex|NN of|IN the|DT originator|NN of|IN this|DT one|CD !|. !|. Scholars|NNP have|VBP long|RB debated|VBN the|DT exact|JJ ethnicity|NN and|CC nationality|NN of|IN Jesus|NNP .|. 
Recently|RB ,|, at|IN a|DT theological|JJ meeting|NN in|IN Rome|NNP ,|, scholars|NNS had|VBD a|DT heated|JJ debate|NN on|IN this|DT subject|NN .|. 
One|CD by|IN one|CD ,|, they|PRP offered|VBD their|PRP$ evidence|NN ...|... 

THREE|CD PROOFS|NNP THAT|WDT JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD MEXICAN|NNP 
1|CD .|. His|PRP$ first|JJ name|NN was|VBD Jesus|NNP 
2|CD .|. He|PRP was|VBD bilingual|JJ 
3|CD .|. He|PRP was|VBD always|RB being|VBG harassed|VBD by|IN the|DT authorities|NNS 

But|CC then|RB there|EX were|VBD equally|RB good|JJ arguments|NNS that|IN ...|... JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD BLACK|NNP 
1|CD .|. He|PRP called|VBD everybody|NN "|'' brother|NN "|'' 
2|CD .|. He|PRP liked|VBD Gospel|NNP 
3|CD .|. He|PRP could|MD n't|RB get|VB a|DT fair|JJ trial|NN 

Then|RB there|EX were|VBD equally|RB good|JJ arguments|NNS that|IN ...|... JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD JEWISH|NNP 
1|CD .|. He|PRP went|VBD into|IN His|PRP$ Father|NNP 's|POS business|NN 
2|CD .|. He|PRP lived|VBD at|IN home|NN until|IN he|PRP was|VBD 33|CD 
3|CD .|. He|PRP was|VBD sure|JJ his|PRP$ Mother|NNP was|VBD a|DT virgin|JJ ,|, and|CC his|PRP$ Mother|NNP was|VBD sure|JJ he|PRP was|VBD God|NNP 

Then|RB there|EX were|VBD equally|RB good|JJ arguments|NNS that|IN ...|... JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD ITALIAN|NNP 
1|CD .|. He|PRP talked|VBD with|IN his|PRP$ hands|NNS 
2|CD .|. He|PRP had|VBD wine|NN with|IN every|DT meal|NN 
3|CD .|. He|PRP used|VBD olive|JJ oil|NN 

Then|RB there|EX were|VBD equally|RB good|JJ arguments|NNS that|IN ...|... JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD A|DT CALIFORNIAN|NNP 
1|CD .|. He|PRP never|RB cut|VBP his|PRP$ hair|NN 
2|CD .|. He|PRP walked|VBD around|IN barefoot|NN 
3|CD .|. He|PRP started|VBD a|DT new|JJ religion|NN 

Then|RB there|EX were|VBD equally|RB good|JJ arguments|NNS that|IN ...|... JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD IRISH|NNP 
1|CD .|. He|PRP never|RB got|VBD married|VBN 
2|CD .|. He|PRP was|VBD always|RB telling|VBG stories|NNS 
3|CD .|. He|PRP loved|VBD green|JJ pastures|NNS 

But|CC perhaps|RB the|DT most|RBS compelling|JJ evidence|NN ...|... THREE|CD PROOFS|NNP THAT|WDT JESUS|NNP WAS|VBD A|DT WOMAN|NNP ...|... 
1|CD .|. He|PRP had|VBD to|TO feed|VB a|DT crowd|NN at|IN a|DT moment|NN 's|POS notice|NN when|WRB there|EX was|VBD no|DT food|NN 
2|CD .|. He|PRP kept|VBD trying|VBG to|TO get|VB the|DT message|NN across|IN to|TO a|DT bunch|NN of|IN men|NNS who|WP JUST|RB DID|NNP N'T|RB GET|VB IT|PRP .|. 
3|CD .|. Even|RB when|WRB He|PRP was|VBD dead|JJ ,|, He|PRP had|VBD to|TO get|VB up|RP because|IN there|EX was|VBD more|JJR work|NN for|IN him|PRP to|TO do|VB 

